Moment of Panic

If you are not changing you are not growing and if you are not growing you are dying . ~ me, jumbling up lots of quotes together

Why is it at the end of a relationship, you only seem to remember the good times and you all but forget any of the bad?  You are left feeling like you are making a huge mistake, that you have been wrong in all of your instincts, and that you can’t see it through. Down deep you know it isn’t right, but you still have that breakdown- a moment of panic that you quite possibly will regret this. I have to imagine this is some kind of backwards coping mechanism that is ingrained in us for some good reason beyond my comprehension because in my humble opinion, it would serve more people good if instead, you could only remember the bad.  Seeing as I won’t let myself  get to that point with men,  I hope you know I draw this example from my relationship with my hair.  Having that perfect hair day the day before you chop it off. 😉

Last night on my way back to my cute, welcoming, adorable apartment (see everything is always so good at the end) , I sobbed.  I’m an emotional one, fyi… and why always in the car? Probably gives the mind time to wonder and think and in this case… panic. Thank God people in Chicago are too busy dodging pot holes to notice that I am using my sleeve to wipe up all my snot.

It was like I had sudden amnesia to everything: stepping on a train to discover someone had pooped on it, my hour plus commutes to go 5 miles with HUNDREDS of people EACH way every day, the morning I counted 8 homeless men and women asking for money walking from Monroe St to Wacker Ave, the realization I had grown hard to seeing 8 homeless people in less than a few blocks, my bike being stolen, my house being broken into, my car being broken into, my phone being taken, the awful radio stations, the 36 bus ( which I’ll need to do a posting to tell the stories of the 36!), expensive everything, tax on food, $4.00/hour parking meters and on and on.

Do I think of those things that leave me exhausted and daily longing for an easier life? Of course not. I’m about to chop off my hair, remember?  AKA Move to WI. So instead,  I drove home thinking of my friends at work and how I’ll be hard pressed to find anyone to compare at my next job.  How every man is suddenly cuter than ever before…where were they 6 years ago?!?!  I thought about my MK sister directors and consultants who *sidebar gave me one of those cards where 20 people sign it and leave messages. ~ I’ve heard it said that people’s hand writing actually sends a part of their energy with it to the person receiving the card.  I totally believe this because any time I get one of those cards I cry almost instantly at seeing the many messages- I get very overwhelmed and I’m sure it’s because I’m being filled up with all of that energy. *~   I thought about all my time spent downtown with Kitty and the girls I ‘came up the ropes with’, earning my first MK Car and driving it to get cupcakes,  my Tuesday Artists Women’s group, how easy it is to get a cab, food after 10pm, drinks after 2am, the diversity of people, Andersonville- my neighborhood… I know! now i live in Edgewater, but Andersonville has my heart 😉 ,  my conversations with my shoe doctor and my hairstylist, the chinese place across the street, the wonderful coffees, will I go to Starbucks enough to keep my gold membership? Right CatherineRose?!, brunches, glasses of wine I’ve had with my girlfriends, my amazing roommates and neighbors, the days on the beach with the skyline behind me.  I thought about how this will be the last time I will be in this spot in my life ever again and that is sad and I cried.

Today my family is going to be here after my last shift to help me move.   I sit on my red couch, looking out my sun porch, in my quiet apartment that I have made a home.  It will be the last time I’m in it alone and I will miss this. I feel extremely grateful for the last 6 years. It’s the sad truth that we rarely realize how good things are until they are gone and that where we ‘are’ is a good place to be. On Monday, I’m moving to WI and to continue with my hair cut analogy… will have to leave some of it on the floor  so that the rest of it can grow stronger and even better.  Isn’t that the truth.. you never think it will get better and it always does.

2014-03-09 12.44.27

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3 thoughts on “Moment of Panic

  1. Beautifully written and so true that we remember the good. With every change comes those mixed emotions. Wisconsin is ready to welcome you back for your next adventures!

  2. Way to hit me with Chicago nostalgia! I can’t believe you’re moving and starting an amazing new chapter! I know everyone in Chicago will miss you as much as I do. PS Starbucks gold card lol! The closest I ever got to VIP!!! Haha 🙂

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