Dear Diary….

“Dear Diary… it’s been a long time since I last wrote.”   I remember always writing this in my journals before trying to recall everything that had happened in the last 3 months so who would know .. my diary??  That’s nuts!  That sort of pressure would keep me from writing because I knew it would be a daunting task so I would procrastinate and procrastinate and that task would get harder and harder the longer I would wait.  When I really became a good journal-er of my life (is that word?) I gave up expectation of explaining every detail and just wrote what I needed to for myself with no pressure of length or narrative. I started carrying my journal with me so when I was out and about and wanted to leave notes for myself, had a minute of downtime, felt like doodling, posting a quote, or a fortune from a fortune cookie I could.  What I gave up was writing the epic tale of my life and focused on capturing the moments that make up the good and lets be honest, more often the bad parts.

Any artist will tell you that inspiration often comes more out of heartache than when life is picture perfect.  Maybe that’s why after a fantastic summer and fall of not writing I find myself back at this keyboard… when I’m feeling less than perfect. Months after my move and months after my last post I will stop procrastinating because I feel this pressure to catch everyone up and instead, just write.  My time not writing has been filled by having a fun summer, working three jobs: 2 breweries and MK,  more outside time than I’ve had in a long time, going to bed early and waking up earlier than ever before to get to the gym, losing my last winters weight, wine and more wine on patios with friends, lots and lots and lots of family time, starting piano lessons, meeting a really kind and interesting guy who always made me fancy pancakes in the morning and this amazing cuban coffee…. Nutella pancakes, cinnamon pancakes, banana fosters pancakes…even our first date was over pancakes and beer…. to this moment right now when I feel like life is going backwards.

I know it’s all for the greater picture but it may take me a week or two to get on board with that right now.   For the sake of my sanity.. I am blaming the weather.  An excuse that I will let myself believe for 1 more day before cleaning up my attitude. And although professionally I feel like I’m making my way… although lets be honest,  it can never come fast enough! I question my capabilities to keep it going as I find I’m already falling into old habits of Polar Vortex winter Chicago 2013/14! Must snap out of it!   After 3 months and an invitation to come to my brother in law’s birthday to finally meet my family I have heard NO word from the cute boy who made me pancakes. Talking every single day and seeing each other 3 days a week for 3 months to straight up, no reason, no explanation, no fight, no awkward text, no phone call, no warning, nothing… gone.  It’s soooo bizarre I can’t even wrap my head around it.  Seriously?!  I’m at a total loss.  I’d believe him dead if it wasn’t for his ‘Active’ status on Tinder.  … I may have just answered my own question. :/

Facebook shows post after post of engagements, baby showers, new homes, fancy vacations… people moving forward and life happening … and right now for a girl who has such grand visions of her life and her future family those things couldn’t feel farther away.  Owning a cat seems more probable than finding a guy that wants to be around me longer than a couple of months.. yes I said that! I’m wallowing and deserve a day to have a pity party!   I am living at home with my parents, almost 30, dumped for not apparent reason after my longest relationship of a whopping 3 months,  AND it’s cold out.  Life feels a lot like hard-boiled eggs right now. The hardest part of social media is the constant ‘News Feed’ and the ‘TimeLine’ that you want your life to be and the constant reminder that someone has what you want and for some reason that is in no hurry to reveal itself, you don’t get to have that.

Today I went through all my many journals of ups and downs, ups and more downs to discover something important and offered a hair of comfort.  Everything I was asking God to help me through… he did.  Everything I prayed and wished for that never was granted  … I can say AMEN to that because I would not have half the life I have today if it had.  I turn through those pages hoping that in another 5 years I can look back at the pages I wrote today and be glad… and thankful. In the meantime this week it will be me and a bottle of wine.   The good news is that after all of this I don’t have a taste for pancakes.

…. okay that was a lie, I love pancakes….

… damn him and his fancy pancakes.

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